Somewhere Between Marks and Expectations, I Lost Myself....

THE JOURNEY ,where I gave up for good !

I was always the smart kid.

Growing up, I studied well and got good marks. I felt proud of myself, and my parents were proud of me too. Good marks were just normal for me. But my childhood was not really like others. I had asthma, so while other kids were outside playing, running, eating ice creams and chips without thinking, I was mostly just watching them. And honestly, I used to feel jealous.

I wanted that life too. I wanted to run freely, eat the coldest ice cream, and just do everything other kids were doing. It felt like I was missing out on something.

So instead, I slowly went into another world, which was studies. That became my thing. I also liked drawing, but I did not really focus on it and just let it go.

As I grew up, my asthma got better. I could finally live normally, eat what I wanted, do everything I used to wish for.

But even then, something still felt missing. I could not explain it properly, but I could feel it.

Then came 10th. I got really good marks, and everything looked perfect from outside. But inside, it did not feel like that.

No matter how much I studied, some of my friends still scored better than me. And that started affecting me more than I expected. I started thinking too much about marks...Even one mark started to matter a lot. Somewhere, I started feeling like I am meant to do something big. And in my mind, that big thing became becoming a doctor…..

So I chose NEET.

Just one week after my boards, I joined an integrated college. I still remember the date, 7th April 2024. That was the start of a very different phase of my life, and honestly, my first day itself did not feel right.

I am not fully introverted or extroverted, I take time to open up. But this was not just about people, it was the studies. In the first physics class, I did not understand anything. Not even the basics.

And on the very first day, I was already thinking, am I even capable of this. That feeling did not go away.

In the beginning, I tried to adjust. I made some friends and slowly started understanding a few things. But within a month, everything started feeling heavy.

Biology was the only subject I truly liked, and honestly, that was the only thing keeping me going. Physics and chemistry never felt right to me.

No matter how much I studied or practiced, I still had doubts. It was not that the subjects were bad, they just did not feel like me.

The environment also started affecting me. Everyone was competing, even your own friends.

Even in small tests, if someone scored more, it stayed in your mind. You feel happy for them, but at the same time, you start thinking, why not me.

I had a friend who used to always tell me to study. She was not wrong, and her intentions were good.

But when you are already tired and struggling, constant reminders do not really help. They just make you feel worse, and slowly, I started feeling worse about myself.

When I got into 12th, I thought things would get better. But they did not. The pressure increased a lot.

Family pressure, studies, boards, NEET, everything together. It became too much.

I could not focus properly anymore. I started feeling like maybe I am not good enough for this. I cried more than usual, and everything felt like a burden.

Even studying did not feel like something I wanted to do, it felt like something I had to do.

I gave two years to this. Two years of pressure, sleepless nights, and feeling like my own friends were my competition. I could see changes in myself that I did not like.

And then one day, I just knew. This was not me anymore. So I made a decision. I chose to stop.

Not because I am weak, not because I failed, but because I wanted my peace back. I wanted to feel like myself again.

And I do not regret it, Not even a little.

Sometimes walking away is not giving up, sometimes it is choosing yourself. If something is affecting your peace and making you feel worse every day, it is okay to step away.

This may not be a perfect story, but it is my story. And I know that wherever I go next, I will choose something that feels right for me. Something that makes me feel like myself again.

And if you feel the same, just know you are not alone. Choosing yourself is never wrong….